THE LEARNER PARENT TOUR - 10 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
14 October 2018 | 9:45 pm

1. WILL THE TWINS BE YOUR SUPPORT ACT?
No chance. They’re way funnier than me. I’ll look crap in comparison.
2. CAN I BRING MY TODDLER WITH ME?
Yes but you’ll have to leave them in the cloakroom.
3. WHICH GIG ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST?
Whichever town you live in. That one. Honest. 😉
4. WHAT’S THE SHOW ABOUT?
It’s a stand up comedy show about being a hapless, learner parent to toddlers in 2018.
5. HOW LONG IS THE SHOW?
2 x 45 minute halves. No support act. Just me, baby.
6. I’VE READ YOUR BOOK - WILL IT JUST BE STUFF FROM THAT?
Not at all. This is a brand new, never-before seen show that pretty much picks up where the book left off.
7. WHY AREN’T YOU COMING TO *INSERT TOWN NAME HERE*?
I would have loved to come to more places but scheduling and venue availability didn’t permit it, sorry 😔
8. MY HUSBAND / WIFE / BOYFRIEND / PARTNER HAS NEVER HEARD OF YOU. SHALL I BRING THEM ALONG TOO?
Yes because I’ll win them over with my cheeky northern charm. And if that fails I’ll hit them with some high quality knob gags.
9. WILL YOU SIGN MY BOOK AT THE SHOW?
Of course, I’d love to! I’ll be doing a meet & greet and signings after every gig.
10. WILL YOU BE PROVIDING TENA LADY’S?
Prob best bringing your own to be honest, luv.

I'm going on tour from Oct 18 - March 19, for dates and tickets click here.
I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every Tuesday, or sign up here to get them via email.
My bestselling book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is currently only £6.99 for Kindle.

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old
13 October 2018 | 9:40 pm

MONDAY
Daddy looked at my drawing today and said, ‘Nice house!’ It was a fucking car, the philistine tit.

TUESDAY
Mummy CONSTANTLY asks me to refrain from twanging my trouser snake but as someone who doesn’t own any actual real estate in the schlong department I’m not sure she entirely grasps just what delightful fun it is. I reckon Daddy knows.

WEDNESDAY
How come a stand up piss at home gets a round of applause but a stand up dump incites a riot in Sainsbury’s?

THURSDAY
Saw some toddler wearing a Nirvana shirt. Asked him what his favourite song was. He said ‘Wheels on the Bus.’ Gonna assume he didn’t dress himself.

FRIDAY
Went full beelzebastard at breakfast. Mummy looked broken and Daddy was apologising profusely for having to go to work but I defo saw him punching the air and mouthing ‘yes!’ as he danced his way to the car for a nice relaxing day at the office.

SATURDAY
Was zooming all over the place on my balance bike and laughed so hard down the hill that I missed the seat and grazed my scrotum on the back wheel. Pretty sure I’ll never have kids now. Good job really. I fucking hate kids.

SUNDAY
Why does Mummy sit down? She must know by now that it’s utterly futile – wherever she is I’ll find her and force her to get up again. I always ask nicely at first but if she’s not on her feet within a tenth of a second of my first request then I think it’s only fair to start shouting at her with increasing volume and indignation. She must stand up, always. Be ready, woman. I may not need you right this instant but if you’re sitting down you’re literally no good to anybody.

I'm going on tour from Oct 18 - March 19, for dates and tickets click here.
I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every Tuesday, or sign up here to get them via email.
My bestselling book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is currently only £6.99 for Kindle.

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old
10 October 2018 | 9:35 pm

MONDAY
Wanted to learn some new swear words. Hid Daddy’s car keys. Bingo.

TUESDAY
Mummy told me off for twanging my willie like a dirty trouser banjo in Asda. But she never mentioned Tesco so I whipped out the sweet-meat for a virtuoso cock solo in the bread aisle that forced her to smother my nether regions with a brioche loaf. #makingmemories

WEDNESDAY
Daddy needs to buck his ideas up when wiping my arse. Nevermind my crazy post-dump yoga moves, he’s too experienced to be smearing it up my back like that.

THURSDAY
If Bedtime Avoidance was an Olympic sport I’d have a Nike sponsorship by now. Tonight’s delaying tactics included 2 drinks, 1 poo (phantom), 1 poo (real) and 7 tuck-in requests. I’m world class.

FRIDAY
Made a new friend today. A true pal. I never caught her name or indeed had any interaction with her whatsoever, but I sobbed when we had to leave both the park, and indeed, all our good times behind. I swore to myself I’d never forget her but if I’m honest, I stopped giving a fuck by the time we got to the main path.

SATURDAY
I’m definitely gonna be an astronaut. That or Batman. I’ve already got the relevant pyjamas.

SUNDAY
Was pondering life today. The infinite wonder of being and the sheer joy of being alive in this precise moment in our small corner of the universe. I was just beginning to surrender to the moment, let go of what was and have faith in what will be, when I fell off the bog and twatted my head on the sink. Bastard.

I'm going on tour from Oct 18 - March 19, for dates and tickets click here.
I post a new Secret Diary to my FB page every Tuesday, or sign up here to get them via email.
My bestselling book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is currently only £6.99 for Kindle.


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